Four months.

Four months it has taken me to get my act together.

Four months I have not even logged onto this website.

Four months of feeling like doing nothing.

I might need to mention then that I am four and a half months pregnant. So, if we are going to cast blame on my lack of motivation to write, I am going to put it fully on this kicker that is growing inside of me.

To say we are beyond excited would be an understatement but with that comes a whole slew of other feelings:

· Oh my god I have a baby inside of me!

Should I have eaten that cupcake?
Will they like me?
I don’t believe it.
I am hungry.
Is it a boy or girl?
God I am hope they are angelic like my brother and I were as babies (this is assuming the stories my mom has told me are true)
What am I going to do for work?
Am I eating too much?
I probably should work out….pilates should be enough?!
Snack?
Can't wait to meet them
Will they embrace our veggie life?

The list is endless, but more than anything I am in a slight sense of denial and don't want to make a big deal. I mean I have the proof and I have heard the heartbeat so I know this is happening, but that feeling of never feeling quite grown up enough is ever present. Plus I don’t like to put emphasis on big events in my own life. Others? Yes I want to deliver you flowers, balloons and cake for every and any occasion. I personally just like to downplay events in my own life. Why? I have no clue, but maybe it’s that notion of not wanting to be disappointed from a lack of enthusiasm from friends and family. To be honest though, most everyone that has known about the pregnancy has been super attentive, checking in with me and all and of course offering up the best reactions. Even my mom, a women of few emotions I have witnessed telling a poor guy friend of my brothers that I am pregnant and explaining to him when I am due, how I am feeling and why she thinks it is a boy. Kind of cute I must admit. I felt bad for the kid though.

So, to quickly summarize in one word how I am feeling. Tired. My first clue that we were most probably pregnant was two weeks after we started trying and I found myself on the couch taking a nap after work. I don’t nap. Then it was the obvious desire to get to bed by 9:00pm…then 8:00pm…and then I was eyeing the clock at 6:30pm. I typically go to bed at 11:00pm/12:00am. What I would do in those additional hours I have no clue anymore, but my mid-December I was in no mood to do anything after work and would just plant myself on the couch. Some days I would have a burst of energy and I would cook a few different meals so we had something in the fridge, but otherwise it was lazy meals that took me less than a ½ hour to prep and make. I hated it because I felt guilty for not doing my usual routine, but the truth was I had no desire or motivation to do anything but rest. Thankfully after checking pregnancy websites I was informed this was totally normal and I just had to wait until the 2nd trimester. The second trimester hit and I was still feeling tired for a solid three more weeks. Now I am happy to report I can stay up until 9:00pm again and even fall asleep at 10:00pm (in case you were worried, I sleep until 6:30am and on the weekends until 8:00am so I am still getting plenty of sleep).

The last two weeks I have been feeling immensely better with my desire to do stuff back. I finally read my Nicholas Sparks book that Andrew got me for Christmas. Typically that book would have been done by December 28th. I would look at it with longing on my bookshelf but did not even want to crack it open if I knew I couldn’t last more than a few chapters. Finally this past weekend I opened it and I had my nose stuck in it for a few days and now I am dragging out the last 30 pages so it does not end.

Other than the tiredness I have been lucky with no puking fits or issues with food. My worst two weeks were late December where I burped like a truck driver and just wasn’t into eating much of anything. I did start to hate dried fruit (I figured this out 5 minutes after I thought I loved it and Andrew bought be pounds of it) and I am not a fan of tea (tea used to be my go to beverage). I love fresh fruit. Lots of pineapples, kiwi, apples and bananas. Thank Jesus my sweet tooth never went away (much to Andrew’s dismay). One of my fears pre-pregnancy (obviously food related) is I would want the sweets but would get sick eating them. I watch my intake with the pastries & cookies (of course I still indulge when it is worth it) but I make up the cravings with fruit as much as I can.

So am I back?

I hope so. Or at least for a bit. I heard you get tired again in the third trimester…..so I have 1.5 months. Better get to cooking.

A few snapshots of the last four months....